I Think I’m Having A Baby…..

Not exactly something you want to hear from your SIX YEAR OLD DAUGHTER, but on Saturday, these were the words that were screamed at me.

Eva was struggling with an extremely bad stomach and I admit, I didn’t know what to do to help her as she was writhing around on the floor.  We’d tried a warm bath, hot water bottle, rubbing her tummy, Calpol but nothing was working.  I thought she was being (a touch) over dramatic, but after her announcing that she thought she was having a baby and partaking in some labour-like panting, I decided this was serious.  So as you do, I turned to google.  Her symptoms via google, were diagnosed as appendicitis. :-0  Cue a frantic and teary call to my mum (always to my mum first), other half and NHS direct which resulted in Olivia and Frankie being rushed off to their Grampa,  OH leaving work early, and a trip to the hospital.  Turns out this was just a 48 hour bug, combined with colic – which can induce agonising spasms.  Phew.

I know what you’re wondering though, how the hell does a six-year-old have any idea what it’s like to  be having a baby?  I asked myself the same.   Then it clicked, two years ago, a four-year-old Eva got up in the early hours of the morning  and cuddled me on the sofa while I was in early labour with her brother.  Obviously, I tried to be brave so as not to scar my little girl for life, but I gather the manic grin I’d plastered on my face, my oddly contorted body  and the odd inescapable groan/screech/panting combo I let out must have conveyed this was pretty darn painful.

Oooops.  Hopefully, this hasn’t put her off providing me with grandchildren aplenty in the (very) distant future.

Everyone out of the pool!!!

Ok, so a week ago I faced my fear and decided to set a date and  take my little ones SWIMMING!  Now, that does mean being seen (baring my arms and, wait for it – THIGHS) in a bathing suit by…..other people!  Strangers! Members of the public! Gulp! This is no easy decision for me, and it took a full 7 days of mental preparation, a couple of sit-ups and liberal applications of gradual tanning lotion before the day of dread.  This is not to say that my children have never been swimming, surely that would be a crime.  It is just that it’s been either on holidays, where I’m a little less uptight, or the Grandparents have fulfilled the going- swimming- duties.  As I say, it was time for me to ‘face the fear’.

So, I enrolled my Mum to help for safety reasons, took my dutch courage (well, not completely dutch, it was 9.30 in the morning) let’s just say I had a strong coffee with….. a splash, a tiny splash of Baileys. ;-/  Off we set for the Leisure Centre.

Now, once there and in my tuumy control cossie. I admit I was feeling ok.  Everyone is either too focused on making sure their kids aren’t drowning or they simply do not care how big your arms/bum/legs look.  It’s true: YOU are the only one who’s bothered.  So, inhibitions lowered, there we are, all having a great time. I only had to explain ONCE to the girls that they are not mermaids and cannot breathe under water, so STOP TRYING!  :-0  Frankie was having a whale (see what I did there: whale/water….anyway) of a time going head first down the kids water chute.

Then, the wave machine came on – yaaaaaay, my favourite!  Everyone is happily bobbing over the waves…….then something else was spotted conspicuously bobbing over them…. Can you tell what is yet (aussie accent for that sentence, if you please)

IT WAS POO!!!!!

So, in the midst of my enjoyment, everyone was cleared from pool and left to stand on the side while lifeguards figured out what to do.  Uh-oh, out of the pool and on full show my self consciousness was back, so I gathered the three kiddies around me, thus hiding my legs. Result!  Eventually, we were told to go home.  But, we were given two complementary  family passes to go again for free!  That means, for my sins, and after nearly 6 years of avoiding the pool, I have to go twice in the next two weeks before the passes expire!!

Now, where’s that self tan and bottle of Baileys gone??????